


The Haunting of Aaron Hotchner

by Rivermoon1970



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Loneliness, Loss of Control, M/M, Not Eating, Panic Attacks, Physical pain from depression, Post Witsec, Seeing things not there, Sort of happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 11:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15728352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/pseuds/Rivermoon1970
Summary: Two years post Aaron returning form Witsec Aaron and Spencer formed a strong relationship, three years later Aaron is falling apart and keeps seeing the ghost of Spencer and he keeps spiraling further into depression, anxiety, and isolation.





	The Haunting of Aaron Hotchner

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be part of the trope bingo, but I never had a chance to finish them. This is a finished piece and I decided to just post it anyway. The prompt was Haunted House.

Aaron woke with a start having heard noises down in the kitchen, but he knew no one could be there, or should be there. Jack was starting college that September and Aaron was all alone in the house. Jessica was no longer needed, hadn’t been since WitSec and Aaron’s tumultuous return to DC. Getting up out of bed, Aaron unlocked his gun safe and grabbed the gun he always kept there. He might not be as fast, or as sharp as he used to be, but he was still very capable. On almost silent feet he made his way down, sticking to the shadows and dark spaces that the house provided. 

Heart pounding, breathing ragged but silent, the noises grew louder as he moved closer and closer to the kitchen. Tendrils of light slithered out from under the door and Aaron’s heart sped up, his pulse raced as his mind tried desperately to comprehend what was going on. 

Finally he made it and carefully opened the closed shutter doors. When he carefully peeked around the door, Aaron’s breath was stolen from him as he looked to see the one person he thought he would never see again. 

“Spencer?” Aaron sobbed out the name as he saw the tall, lanky man there. Turning to look at Aaron, a beatific smile on his face it nearly broke Aaron. 

“Aaron,” the voice that came from Spencer was strange, but the smile, oh how Aaron missed that smile. Setting the gun on the counter, Aaron took the few strides to get to Spencer and wrapped his arms around him. Aaron buried his head against the thin shoulders and cried. 

“Shh, Aaron it’s alright. You need to wake up now.”  

Aaron pulled back and looked Spencer in the eyes as cold fingers trailed over his face. He didn’t want to let Spencer go. He wanted him to stay there, to come to bed and let himself curl around the man he had missed more than life itself.

“Spencer, please..”

“Hey, none of that now.”

Aaron pulled away, turned around for but a moment to get his emotions settled, then turned back to find Spencer was gone.

Aaron’s heart was shattered and his mind was spinning. Was he still asleep? Moving to the sink he turned on the hot water and put his hand underneath and hissed out in pain.

He didn’t understand what was happening, and what did Spencer mean he had to wake-up? He was awake, wasn’t he?

Shaking himself out of the circular thoughts running through his head, Aaron went back to bed to try to get some more sleep.

____________________

Aaron woke-up slowly and wondered what had pulled him from his sleep. Sighing he slid off the bed, grabbed a robe and wrapped it tightly around himself. Padding downstairs he heard the rustle of curtains and the banging of a door. He was perplexed because he knew he had shut and locked everything down before going to bed. When Aaron approached the open door, being blown open and closed by the strong winds that had come through Virginia over the last few days, Aaron grabbed it and closed and locked it again. 

“Aaron.”

Aaron jumped and spun around to see Spencer was there once again. Aaron was trying to figure out what was going on. Why was he seeing the younger man in his home? Was this some kind of strange sleepwalking?

“Spencer, what’s going on? Why are  you here?”

“I came to say I’m sorry for leaving things so badly between us. I’ve missed  you.”

Aaron closed his eyes as cold fingers once again gently touched his face. Then a kiss from cold lips, but it was gentle and sweet, but nothing like the kisses he had once shared with Spencer.

“It wasn’t your fault Spencer. I left you, no explanation, no goodbyes. It’s been my greatest regret. I’m the one who is sorry. Why are you here?”

“You need to wake-up Aaron. You need to stop hiding. Get out of this house, live and don’t push your friends away.”

Aaron’s eyes filled with tears as he tried to reach out for Spencer, but just like that he was gone. Falling to his knees, Aaron buried his face in his hands and sobbed. He thought that maybe he was going crazy, maybe everything in his life was catching up to him and he was finally giving into the darkness that always lay just under the surface. 

With Jack gone and Jessica making her own life, Aaron had never felt so alone. 

After purging himself of the emotions that had built up inside him, Aaron stood and made his way to his kitchen and fixed a cup of herbal tea. He had been made to switch from coffee a few years prior. Taking the cup he moved through the darkened house, trying to ignore the long, dark shadows that deepened with every step he took, Aaron tried not to feel the fear that was clawing at him, keeping him in the house. He knew the fear was irrational but just thinking about getting dressed and taking one step out the door left him almost paralyzed with anxiety. 

Standing at the base of the stairs, hand white knuckling the bannister Aaron looked up into complete darkness. A door blew open slamming against the wall making Aaron jump as he spun around spilling tea everywhere. A flash of lightning, shadows of the branches from the tree outside grew around the living room making Aaron’s heart beat faster in his chest. Long tendrils of shadows creeped towards him, rooting him to the spot he was standing in. The legacy of a case that just wouldn’t let go had Aaron paralyzed. Another flash of lightning and the shadows disappeared, drawing the shadows outside leaving only the normal ambient light and the furniture Aaron recognized.  

Laughing at himself, Aaron was able to make his way up the stairs, ignoring the darkness and the thoughts that spun wildly in his head. Aaron made his way to the small bathroom and cleaned himself up before making his way to his library to pick out a book. Settling in bed he sipped his tea and almost choked when he looked at the book in his hand.  _ Empty Planet.  _

Aaron stared at that book as his heart constricted and his hand tightened around his cup. Closing his eyes he set both tea and book on his nightstand, turned off the light and tried to settle back down to sleep, even though it was already nine in the morning. A small voice in the back of his head told him he was succumbing to the depression and anxiety that had been building inside him since he had left Spencer alone and confused.

__________________________

The knock on his front door startled him out of his fitful sleep. No one came to see him. Not even Dave and Aaron sometimes wondered if that was his fault. He knew in the darker recesses of his mind that his time in WitSec had affected him more than he wanted to admit. His room was still dark when he struggled to get out of bed. Looking at the Star Trek clock, a reminder of his life with Spencer, he saw that it was only just past ten a.m. The knock was louder this time, waking Aaron a little more he stood and grabbed the robe at the end of his bed, wrapped it around himself, and made his way to his front door. He ignored the pain he felt in every part of his body, as well as the headache that was forming behind his eyes.

Looking out of the peephole Aaron frowned. He saw Will and JJ there. They had not seen each other since the fallout of Scratch and Aaron returning home. Slowly Aaron opened the door, afraid this was some kind of joke, or a hallucination.

“Hotch,” JJ sucked in a breath and Aaron frowned, wondering what she was seeing. 

“JJ, Will. What...what are you doing here?”

“Jack called us. He’s worried about you, Hotch.”

Swallowing hard Aaron stepped back and let the couple in.

“You don’t have to be worried. I’m fine JJ.”

Aaron almost laughed at the look on his former teammates face. The glare she had perfected over the years and it was almost as intimidating as his.

“No. You aren’t fine, Hotch. When is the last time you took a shower?”

Aaron frowned and did something his old self never would have done in a million years. He lifted his arm and sniffed. 

“Um, I...I don’t remember.”

“Hm. You go upstairs take a shower. I’ll make some coffee.”

“I don’t have any coffee. There is some tea.”

JJ lifted a brow, but Aaron didn’t elaborate he just spun on his heels and made his way up to his bedroom. Stripping out of his clothes he really looked at them for the first time in a while. There were tea and food stains all over the robe. The pajamas he was in were dirty and needed a good washing. Even his bedsheets needed changing. Shaking his head he started to mutter to himself as he turned on the water and got it as hot as he could stand.

“They worry, you know.”

Aaron startled at the sound from behind him. 

“Spencer, fuck, you startled me.”

“I’m sorry, but you know they care.”

Aaron’s eyes turned hard as he shook his head, he noticed for the first time how long his hair had grown. There was even a beard that looked unkempt because he had ignored it for weeks. 

“If they cared, why were they so cold when I came back. I did what was best for my son. I put him first for once in my life. JJ at least should understand.”

“Aaron...” The soft chiding had Aaron looking down at the sink. Those cold fingers gently touched his shoulder. “You are being hard on yourself. You’re spending too much time in this house all alone. They do care and they do understand. You have to stop letting your guilt rule your life.” 

Aaron took a shuddering breath as he locked eyes with Spencer in the mirror, but when he turned around to face him, Spencer was gone, and Aaron was wondering once more if he was losing it.

Taking a quick, cold shower, Aaron shaved, trimmed his hair as best he could, but even he saw the deep circles under his eyes and the dark puffiness which was a stark contrast against his pale skin. He was gaunt and noticed how much weight he had lost and tried to remember the last time he had eaten a full meal. There were bruises all over, but he didn’t remember where they came from. Aaron poked at them, hissing at the particularly sore ones. 

Looking away from the mirror, Aaron grabbed a towel and dried himself off, then padded back into his bedroom. He grabbed a pair of sweats and a tshirt, slipped them on then went back downstairs. The noises from the kitchen had him shuffling inside. 

“Well, you look a little better. Sit, eat.” JJ glared at him and Aaron didn’t fight it. He sat down and picked up the turkey sandwich JJ had put together. HIs stomach growled and Aaron felt hungry for the first time in days. 

“Jack called you?” Aaron looked up at JJ, frowning at her wondering why his son would call his former colleague. Looking at her, he noticed the subtle aging, and wondered where the time had gone. He felt hollow and empty as he took a few bites of the sandwich, wondering if her was losing himself, if he was going crazy while everyone around him stayed sane. 

“Yes. He said that you never leave the house lately. That you spend all your time in your library reading as many of Spencer’s books as you could understand. He and Henry tried to get you out, but...”

Aaron remembered the book on his nightstand and frowned. 

“I can’t...I, I need to stay here.” Aaron’s hands began to shake as he picked-up the thick mug JJ had poured some fresh tea into. His heart beat hard in his chest at the thought of going outside, of leaving the safety of the house, of leaving and not seeing Spencer again.

“Hotch you can’t stay inside all the time like this. You need to get out. Dave has tried to call but he just keeps getting your voicemail.”

Aaron looked down at his plate and the food no longer looked appealing. 

“Why? It was made clear that you guys were angry with me.That what happened to the team was my fault for leaving you. I know you blame me for Spencer being in prison.”

JJ sucked in a breath as she laid a hand over Aaron’s.

“Hotch, we were never angry with you. All of us understood why you left. I know that I would have made the exact same decision if it had been Henry. Spencer being in prison wasn’t your fault, Hotch. You have to stop blaming yourself.”

“It  _ is _ my fault, JJ.”

Aaron got up and moved back towards the upstairs library shutting the door behind him. He grabbed a book from one of the bookcases, curled up on the chair and got lost in words that had been so very precious to the one person Aaron had loved more than life itself. Now, he was alone, truly alone, and it was all his fault.

__________________________

Aaron was curled up in bed, trying to remember what it felt like to be wrapped around his lover. The body pillow he clung to didn’t even come close to helping. Silent tears ran down his face as he clung tight. When he felt it being taken from him he was about to protest till a body was laying in bed with him. Aaron wrapped himself tightly around the body trying to feel something other than this emptiness that had crawled inside of him and won’t let him go. He didn’t care about the chill, he just cared that Spencer was  _ there _ he was there when Aaron needed him. 

“I love you, Spencer. Don’t leave me please.” Aaron didn’t even try to stop the sobs that came from him or the grief he felt down to his very toes. 

Aaron cried till he fell asleep. Waking hours later, and only because his stomach churned with the need to eat, Aaron once again found himself in his kitchen. A note was left by JJ. She told him to call Dave, if he didn’t Aaron could expect a visit from his oldest friend.

Sighing, because he didn’t want Dave around. He didn’t want anyone around, except Jack. Looking in his fridge, Aaron tried to figure out what to eat. Everything he looked at took too much effort. Pulling out some cheese, salami, olives, tomatoes Aaron put together a snack plate. Turning away from the fridge, he opened cupboards and took out a box of crackers and set some on the same plate.

“You know you need to eat something more than that, Aaron.” 

Aaron startled and spun around to see the phantom Spencer that had been haunting him for the last few days. 

“What do you want, Spencer?”

“For you to take care of yourself. The man I see in front of me, is not the same man I fell in love with.”

Aaron turned to grip the counter wondering once again if he really had lost it.

“I pushed you away. I said terrible things and then...” Aaron turned his eyes away from his counter to look out of the window.

“And then what?” Spencer jumped up and sat down on the counter like he had done a thousand times before. 

“Then you were gone. You’re gone and I miss you so much, Spencer. I’ve lost you and I can’t take it anymore.” 

“Aaron, you need to stop punishing yourself. I promise you that everything will be okay.”

“How can you say that? You’re gone and I can’t...”

Arms wrapped around Aaron holding him close, then they were gone. Aaron thought that if this went on he would truly go crazy. Questions of his own sanity ran through his mind as he Trudged up the stairs and crawled back into bed and let the pain take over as he escaped into the world of sleep.

________________________

The physical pain he felt Aaron wondered if it was the manifestation of the mental anguish and depression he knew he was going through. Just crawling out of bed each day hurt. He stopped answering phone calls unless it was Jack. He wasn’t eating much as he shuffled through the house, a zombie that was barely existing. 

Dave had tried to call, and even came by a few times, but Aaron ignore him. He sent one text,  _ leave me alone _ , Aaron wasn’t really sure if that was what had stopped Dave or not, all he knew was they stopped trying and it was both a relief and a confirmation to Aaron that his friends no longer cared. 

Days passed when he didn’t even get out of bed, and when he finally did, he found there wasn’t much food left in his fridge. He was now subsisting on oatmeal and ramen packets. Aaron had bought a few boxes of Ramen for Jack who loved them and took a bunch of them to school with him. There was enough left for several weeks at best. 

Aaron felt like he was fading away, he was caught in a cycle that he had no idea how to get out of, or who to turn to for help. The ghost of Spencer would pop up every so often and Aaron would be both elated and miserable. Each time he saw the man he loved it was a stab to his heart. Aaron thought this was punishment for the horrible fight they had that drove Spencer away from him and for Aaron to lose him.

Cleaning up his dishes was a chore, but he did it. That was the one thing he could do consistently was keep the kitchen clean. After eating his meager meal, Aaron shuffled back up to his room once more and crawled under the covers and once again felt the blessed oblivion of sleep.

___________________

Time ticked by, two months since the fight, then three, then five. Aaron felt like a ghost in his own home. He took to curling up on Spencer’s favorite chair, photo albums spread out on his lap, drinking from a whiskey bottle he had delivered with the last grocery order he had made. 

Aaron had told himself long ago that he wasn’t going to drink in front of Jack, and he never did. He never had more than one with Rossi after cases. When he and Spencer got together Aaron indulged in a single glass of wine with dinner because Spencer loved his wines. But now there was no one to curtail his drinking. He had held off for months, but pulling down the albums and looking through them threw Aaron back to a happier time in his life and it broke him a little more.

The sound of a key in the lock of the front door didn’t faze Aaron. He had heard that sound over and over again since the ghost of Spencer had started to show up.

“Aaron?” The voice called out, but that was also now so familiar. He didn’t call back, he knew the ghost would make their way to him, but Aaron couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take the ghost of his past haunting him. He sat where he was looking at pictures of an engagement party for a wedding that never happened. Aaron no longer felt the tears that fell as he touched the picture of the two happy looking men, smiling for the camera.

“Aaron, where are you?” The voice called out, then the creak of the stairs as the ghost moved up them. Still, Aaron was silent, caught up in memories of the past. 

The door to the library swung open and an audible gasp came from the person standing there. Aaron looked up, he felt hollow as he looked at the ghost.

“Fucking hell, Aaron. What happened?” Spencer rushed to him and took the album out of his hands and set it aside. Then the empty glass was put aside on the small side table. Hands...warm hands? Warm hands touched him, touched his face and Aaron almost choked on the breath he took in. 

_ Warm  _ hands. 

Not cold. 

Not cold. 

Warm.

Hands.

Long fingers gently touched his face. 

Long, warm fingers.

Aaron looked at the man sitting on his knees in front of him, touching him.

“Sp...Spencer?” 

“Of course it’s me, Aaron.”

“But...you....not real. You can’t be real....” Aaron started to hyperventilate, panic settled inside of him and he didn’t know what was real or imagined anymore. He doubled over and felt his stomach churn then those warm hands were on him again. 

“Of course I’m real Aaron. We talked on the phone a couple of weeks ago, then I didn’t hear from you and I got worried.”

“Couple....couple weeks? No, no, no, nononono. No you....months.....you....go-gone. My fault...Not real...not...” The panic was taking over as Aaron lurched off the chair and stumbled forward, chest heaving as his heart raced not understanding what was going on. Warm hands reached around his arms to steady him, but it didn’t help. He cried out as he tried to pull away, the pain worse than before. He needed to get away, get away from the ghost that was too real. He pulled hard but he didn’t have a lot of strength and when he pitched forward he fell down, the panic increasing, his heart racing so hard it hurt. The ghost was there over him, Aaron tried to scream, but nothing came out, then everything went black and quiet, Aaron knew no more.

________________

Waking up slowly Aaron’s mouth felt dry and gummy. Slowly he cracked his eyes open and looked to see that he was hooked up to a couple of machines. A heart monitor and an IV. His eyes wandered for a moment then settled on the man in the chair next to his bed, holding his hand. Spencer. Spencer had come home.  _ His _ Spencer had come  _ home. _

“Spencer?” Aaron croaked out and when those beautiful hazel eyes peeked out from the long bangs that had fallen over his eyes, Aaron wasn’t sure if this was truly real.

“Hey. You had one hell of a panic attack. You hadn’t been eating right and when you drank it just amped everything up. What happened, Aaron?”

Aaron furrowed his brows together as he tried to think clearly for the first time in weeks, or was it days? He wasn’t sure at this point.

Aaron swallowed a few times trying to talk, he reached out for the water that was beside his bed. Spencer helped him to sit up and handed him the cup. He took a few sips then looked pleadingly at Spencer, for what he wasn’t sure. Spencer stood then leaned down towards him and framed his face in those warm hands then gently kissed him. Spencer pressed his forehead to Aaron’s and sighed deeply. 

“I got so worried when you didn’t answer my calls and you kept skipping our SKYPE times. Do you even remember how you got to this state?”

Aaron set the cup aside and gently pushed Spencer back a little. Spencer sat down on the chair, but pulled it even closer to the bed. Aaron closed his eyes for a few minutes to try to remember what happened. 

Coming home after Witsec Aaron had been lost. He and Spencer had reconnected and talked. For a year they talked and went out on dates and began to heal from the destruction from Peter Lewis. They had bought the house together and agoraphobia and isolation set in. Aaron didn’t know how to re-engage the world around him, it felt off, like it was a life that he had lived a million years ago. Spencer was so patient and good with him, trying to help him through the anxieties that had built up from being isolated from friends and family. The fight. Aaron remember the fight they had. It was worse than any fight they had in the past and he said things to Spencer that pushed his lover away from him. Spencer had enough. He needed distance and for Aaron to get help. He took an offer to guest lecture at Caltech. It was six months. Aaron got angry again, he was being left and it hurt. He didn’t know how to tell Spencer what he was feeling so he let him go.

Everything was fine at first. Jack had been accepted to several colleges and he finally picked one. It was MIT. Spencer teased him over one of the Skype calls and it clenched something in Aaron’s heart, but he didn’t know how to ask Spencer to come home. 

Finally knowing he needed help he called a psychologist that deals with people who have agoraphobia and other anxiety disorders. Things were going well, till they weren’t.

“It was that damned documentary.” It all clicked in Aaron’s mind. The five part BAU documentary that the FBI had approved several years prior. It was a study of the most infamous killers they had caught. Aaron had been interviewed in the house, the production company had agreed. It was five years ago and Netflix had just put it on it’s roster. 

“Which one?”

Aaron felt shame and looked down at his hands as they shook.

“The BAU one. The one they interviewed us for.”

“Oh, Aaron. You watched it didn’t you?”

Aaron nodded as his breathing sped up. The hand wrapped around one wrist and the voice telling him to calm down helped him to push through.

“Yes.”

There was one whole part dedicated to George Foyet, and another to Peter Lewis. Two of the worst psychopaths to taunt the members of the elite FBI team. 

“I thought you weren’t coming back. I pushed you away, just like I had done when I left. I left you Spencer. You didn’t tell me everything you went through in prison and I...I saw it...heard it...it was my fault..” Tears fell as his heart clenched.

“No, no Aaron it wasn’t your fault. I told you I understood. It hurt you left, but I understood. I knew you would come home after we caught Lewis. What happened wasn’t your fault.”

It all came spilling out. Aaron told Spencer everything and Spencer just crawled on the bed and held Aaron close. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean those things...”

“Shh, Aaron. Let it go. I’m sorry I left. I should have stayed and helped you work all this out. I’m sorry too.”

Aaron held on tight to the man he loved as he tried to put pieces of himself back together.

“I know I need to talk to someone.” Aaron’s voice was so low that Spencer almost didn’t hear him, but he had.

“We’ll do it together, Aaron. I think we both still have things we need to work on, but this time, we do it together.”

Aaron kissed Spencer’s forehead as he pushed through the panic attack.

“Together.”

“From now on, always together.”

“I love you, Spencer. I love you. Please don’t leave again.”

“I love you, Aaron, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  
  



End file.
